Thursday, August 31, 2006

Please apply on or before 14th Feb.

Applications are invited for the following post. The package and incentives are
mentioned below.

Designation : Junior girl friend ( trainee )

Experience : No Prior Experience, We need Good looking
Freshers (Aged 18-26) !!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Perks and incentives.

Total gross ( Monthly ) : 3 gifts worth 300/-

30 bike rides each duration 2 hours

20 trips to Marine Drive

5 Trips to Parks

10 Kulfis / Chokobars at a regular gap of
3 days

Daily Provision of Vada Pav / Samosa Pav / Pakoda worth
of 5 /-

4 movies per month on every weekend

Visits to bird park and Shopper's
Stop
every Weekend


Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to Demand

Net Deductions ( Monthly ) : Provident Fund and Service taxes to be informed
on joining

PS: Ex-girl friends will not be eligible for any referral
benefits and those who have applied in the last 6 months need not apply again
!!!!


For any clarifications on the job profile, please personally
meet the undersigned….



Regards,


CEO



Honorable MEN

Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)


If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and
if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!


"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"



The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the
axe to make his living.


The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked.


The woodcutter replied, "No."


The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.


Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."


The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.


The woodcutter replied, "Yes."


The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.


Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared
and asked him, "Why are you crying?"


"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mallika Sherawat. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the woodcutter.


The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"


The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Mallika Sherawat , You would have come up with
Bipasha Basu. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor
man, and am not able to take care

of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mallika Sherawat."


The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable
reason, and for the benefit of others.


That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

Munna Bhai lage raho....

PROFESSOR

Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?

MUNNA BHAI

Gandhi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam,

par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CIRCUIT

Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai.

Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.

MUNNA BHAI

Aye Circuit, woh Sunita ka baap aya hai terayko dund rehla hai.

CIRCUIT

Bhai usko bolo apun gaon gaya hai, kheti karneko.

MUNNA BHAI

Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.

CIRCUIT

Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MAMU

Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai,

aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?

GIRL

Ullu to raat ko bolta hai,

aaj din mein kaise bol pada?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CIRCUIT

Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla aaj raat ko dinner pe.

Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.

MUNNABHAI

Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?

CIRCUIT

Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MAMU

Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Tamil sikhna padega. Kuch upay batao.

MUNNA BHAI

Tamil kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?

MAMU

Meinay ek Tamil baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


PROFESSOR

Akal badi ki bhais?

MUNNA BHAI

Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MUNNA BHAI

Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?

CIRCUIT

Bhai, gaadi hai.

MUNNA BHAI

Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?

CIRCUIT

Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CIRCUIT

Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?

MAMU

Nehin.

CIRCUIT

To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MUNNA BHAI

Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.

MAMU

Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?

MUNNA BHAI

Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


MUNNA BHAI

Mamu, tu kitna pada hai?

MAMU

B.A.

MUNNA BHAI

Sala, two akshar pada aur woh bhi ulta?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MAMU

Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.

MAMU KA DOST

Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CIRCUIT

Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?

SHORT CIRCUIT

Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PRINCIPAL

Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200
Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI

Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

Very good Sardar jokes.....Njoy

Interviewer: what is your birth date?


Sardar: 13th October

Which year?

Sardar: Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR

Manager asked to sardar at an interview

Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.




After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,

Do I look like a foreigner?

Wife: No! Why?

Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???


Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!


Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi

So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.



Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told
WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same.
Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's
fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly sardar said
loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.





When sarda r was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror.
Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.



Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There
he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"


Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you
escape?

Sardar : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

The four liquid stages of life

Monday, August 21, 2006

Detectives Sardars

A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture
for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?" The first Singh answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because
the picture I showed is his side profile."



Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds
at the second Singh and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?"

The second Singh smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because
he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the
matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because
it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?"


Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?


He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The
Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect
wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because
he reallydoesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,
that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his
file and

I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile
on his face.


"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"


"That's easy," the Singh replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

Sardarji Bloopers

A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily.

After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.


The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?"


To this the man replies,"Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai,'Wash
Basin' ".


***********************************************************************


SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.


"Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven
eleven."


"Are you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven
eleven."


"Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night."


"That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway."


***********************************************************************


A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why
are the guys doing what they are doing


The bystander A Marathon race is going on


Sardar : What do they get from that?


Bystander : The winner will get a prize


Sardar : Then why are the others running?!


***********************************************************************


Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.


The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I
was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.."


"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.


"But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called
back."

Sardarji Encyclopedia

Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?

Because below 18 was not allowed.


* * * * * *


How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?


Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear


* * * * * *


What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at

you?


Pull the pin and throw it back.


* * * * * *


What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?




Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.


* * * * * *


How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?


Tell him a joke on Wednesday.


* * * * * *


What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?




Trying to hold on to a thought.


* * * * * *


Why do Sardars work seven days a week?




So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.


* * * * * *


Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget

the recipe.


* * * * * *


How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?


He threw it off a cliff.


* * * * * *


What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?


A wind tunnel.


* * * * * *


What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?




The back of his head.


* * * * * *


What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?




Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).


* * * * * *


What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?

Just-one Singh.


* * * * * *


Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?




They think their picture is being taken.


* * * * * *


Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?




Toes Go In First.


* * * * * *


How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?


It has a stamp on it.


* * * * * *


Why can't Sardar dial 911?




They can not find the eleven on the phone


* * * * * *


How do you get Sardar on the roof?




Tell him the drinks are on the house.


* * * * * *


"Oh, look at the dead bird."

Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?


* * * * * *


What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?




You always hear about them but you never see them.


* * * * * *


Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?




You have to hollow out the head.

The Rules for Guys

1. Be a "creature unlike any other."

However, in particular think in terms of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon"
(Universal 1954), a dark monster that conquers her. Beauty and the Beast. Chicks
love that shit.

2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.)

She only wants to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway. So take her
dancing. They go nuts for this. Learn enough to get by and look cool, though
you won't need it much after you have her hooked. In the meantime you can flirt
with the other girls on the dance floor.


3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind.

Buy her a nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in exchange for the
meal. In addition, if you buy her a fancy schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy
place, she won't be able to turn down your request for a $300 "loan"
until you can "get to the cash machine." Good investment.


4. Don't call her after sex.

Make her wait a few days. Girls do this stare at the phone thing, makes them
all anticipatory. Don't give them what they want. Call her in a couple of days
or if you get horny again. Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep,
even if she hasn't had an orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're tired,
and you have important work to do tomorrow.


5. Always end phone calls first.

Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do this, you won't
have to worry about long phone calls. I mean girls can yak so long on the phone.


6. Don't give her any warning about a date.

Make sure she stays free all the time in case you call. And more to the point,
keep yourself free in case something comes up elsewhere, if you know what I
mean. If you call and she's not available, act real hurt, make it seem like
you will end the relationship if she does this a lot.


7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.)

You like long walks on the beach. You love kids. You like to cook. You're looking
to settle down in a country home with that one special girl. You love horses,
paris, chick movies, sushi and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her
you're rich, famous, whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones eventually
but if you play this right you'll get laid first and have her captured. Don't
be scared to eventually talk to her about "the relationship" -- girls
go for this. Just be sure not to believe it yourself.


8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.

Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the hint with gentle
physical contact. It is nice to date easy chicks and all and get laid on the
first date, but some of the hottest ones like to wait a date. However, if she
doesn't at least give you a blowjob by date #2, #3 at the latest, there are
better investments out there. On date #3, remind her of the "third date
rule."


9. Tell her you love her.

This is the big corollary of rule #7. Don't do it right away but definitely
do it if she's showing reluctance on that blowjob. Practice saying it like you
mean it. As the old saying goes, "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake
that you've got it made."


10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date.

Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous or something.
Make sure that you never let yourself get tied down.


11. Tell her what to do.

Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated. So make all the decisions and
see how she goes for it. If so, you can probably get this to continue in the
bedroom. No girl is perfect, but most of them like to please a man so you can
change the one(s) you have to fit your needs.


12. Be the bad boy.

Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can "reform" him,
or they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can be as bad as you like.
Treat her like she doesn't exist. Be mysterious. Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a
leather motorcycle jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere
else and walk to where you meet her, though.) Remember, nice guys don't get
laid.


13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you.

Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate." But later,
if you break up, she might try and get back at you so for crissake don't let
her know anything she could use or spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff
you can tell her in bed, she'll go for it. If you can't think up your own, buy
one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't believe it's not
butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those guys. (God, this
guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon over him? Something strange
going on here.)


14. Don't tell her you're married!

For some reason they get really upset. When you take off your ring, get some
tanning lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp to make sure it's not visible
where you took it off. Or tell your wife you just don't want to wear a ring;
invent some sort of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even
the ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date married guys so
don't let her (or your wife) know.


15. Be a pain to live with.

Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder to be yourself.
If you shack up, don't alter your own life just to make it easier for her. One
exception, which is admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet
seat down after you take a wizz. She sees that and she'll think she's found
god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better sex than a $300 hooker. Compare
-- 5 seconds of your time each day to put down the seat vs. $300 blowjob. No
brainer!


16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'.

For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their tits when we talk
to them. And they don't like us staring at other girls' either. As if we have
a choice! Anyway, they're watching for this so don't get caught. Check their
eyes, then do your looking.


17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment.

Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her for very regular nookie.
Otherwise they might try to insinuate themselves into your life before you are
sure of this.


18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around.

I mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most fun.


19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!

Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.


20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her a fake
ring.

Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married to her, but don't
actually do it. You can even get engaged if you want to lock in some regular
pussy. There's no law that says you actually have to follow through with the
ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert to tell cubic zirconia from a diamond, and
if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly doesn't trust you and is a lost
cause anyway. You can get one of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll
get a fuck worth far more than that out of it.


21. Double check the birth control.

There's a trade off here. On one hand you don't want to use condoms, so get
her on the pill ASAP. On the other hand if she runs the birth control she might
blindside you with something annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide.
If she gets pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys.
(It alters your blood type.)


22. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with girls.

Like I need to explain this one to you? Do they explain their rules to us? Thought
not.


22a. Don't discuss The Rules for Guys with your therapist.

Because if you have a therapist you've really missed the point of The Rules
for Guys.


23. Figure out her romantic dream.

Almost all girls have one. In 90% of cases it's the knight in shining armour,
the handsome prince or the tall, dark and handsome mysterious stranger. Harlequin
Romances isn't exactly going broke selling girls books about how a guy comes
into the girl's life and does something as simple as fixing her car to make
her life right and sweeps her off her feet. You would be amazed at the "mileage"
you can get just by taking her car down to the shop. Though if you can find
a good mechanic, let me know, OK? Anyway, subtly find out her own personal romantic
dream, and play-act it. On the cheap, of course -- you only have to play-act.
While she may dream of a billionaire who whisks her away to his ranch in his
jet, she'll settle for a $60 rental limo and a $40 1-hour rental horseback ride.


24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules.

Hey, Burger King said it best. And it's a great place for a cheap date (use
$4 from the $300 she "lent" you.) But in this case I mean you gotta
break the Girl's Rules.


25. Do The Rules girls. Yes, you can!

If you suspect that some really attractive girl is following The Rules for girls,
take heart. I mean if she's a dog, lose her. But if she's got a great set or
you have some other reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact
game and can use it to get her. The book tells these girls to follow its rules
religiously, even when they don't make sense. You will have to wait 6 dates,
but the authors do tell girls over 30 it's OK to have sex, so they will. Forget
young "The Rules" girls unless you are really keen on virgin-plucking.
You only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date them Friday then you are
free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls and dates; they won't call you
when you have other girls over -- a lot of advantages, and as long as you see
past all the manipulative "hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled,
just laid.


First, you have to check if she's a The Rules girl or just a stuck-up bitch.
Sometimes it can be hard to differentiate them. Test this by first telling her
how much you admire a girl who sticks to her principles, and then call her Thursday
telling her you just got front-row Orchestra seats to the Boston Pops (a classical
musical group) concert on Friday. If she says yes, she's the stuck-up bitch.
Say, "Did I say Boston Pops? I meant Iggy Pop!" and dump her.


If she says a reluctant no, she's a The Rules girl. The book tells them never
to accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Rush out to the bookstore to get a
copy of The Rules. You'll find it in the dating/relationships section. Since
there is zero chance you've ever gone near that section before, ask at the cashier's
desk. When you get to it you'll know why you've never been to this section before
from the titles of the books. Venus and Mars Together Forever. Men who hate
women and the women who love them too much. Like Dave Barry says I am not making
this up. You're the only guy in weeks to go to this section other than to laugh
at the titles, so if you're lucky some chick might even hit on you. But if not,
go buy the book, and then read it. It's short.


Now you'll know her exact game. Problem is, as noted, it will be 6 weeks until
you get laid. Be sure you have something else on the side during those six weeks.
But look at the advantages. Other than those noted above, you'll learn that
she won't bring up crap like "marriage" or "kids" or "the
relationship." She expects you to bring these things up. Soon the book
will tell her to dump you. Track this, and make sure to start dating another
The Rules girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before the breakup if you can time
it right.


26. Do The Rules For Guys and you'll get laid.

Don't forget this. You may be tempted to break them, to be "nice"
or "sensitive" or even listen to her. But everybody knows that nice
guys don't get laid. You want to be nice or in the sack? I thought so.

A Typical Day at Macrosoft

Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said
Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of a sweatshop" and it
bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I
do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you.


 


  • 4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of
    my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned
    the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way
    back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten
    used to the floor.
  • 4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital
    to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's
    a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They've decided
    to call it Industry '99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus
    put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, dude!

  • 4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don't believe that damned doctor. There
    is no way caffeine can cause this. Shit, out of Kleenex. Thank God for that
    medicine cabinet.
  • 4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new
    stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple
    of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass.
  • 4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don't know how
    they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from blinking while we upload
    their life's history during registration. Hmm.... maybe a BIOS call to the serial
    driver.
  • 5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes
    the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon's not
    here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned
    things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed off. Took em half an hour to scrape
    that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one.
  • 5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Shit, it
    hurts. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that
    the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill's new estate.
    Damn, at the rate they're going they'll move in on the same day he throws the
    switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Ooopps. Maybe I shouldn't have
    said that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know.
  • 5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday
    and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close
    to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast
    is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes.
  • 5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they've got him in a back brace. Promised to
    say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so he can get L&I.
    He sounded a little pissed though. Better not play basketball with him anytime
    soon.
  • 5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I'll
    be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for
    him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours
    a week and cry like babies.
  • 5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid
    thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building
    36. Assholes don't even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and
    thrash it before the shit hits the fan.
  • 6:13 AM -- Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to practically sell my
    soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me that Bob had to go take a dump.
    Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to
    stop it and the frigging server went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning
    that shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened.
  • 6:22 AM -- Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was
    leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he slipped on some dog
    shit that was out front and now they're worried he's going to sue them. They
    are admitting him for observation.
  • 6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in. God, he's such a prick. His "Pammy"
    just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with him
    just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I'll call
    H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment.
  • 7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc
    and is going into emergency surgery.
  • 7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday
    screwed up the source code and we're gonna have to re-do some stuff. Be back
    later.
  • 9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball breaker. That wacko really trashed the project.
    Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred half the code.
    They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed
    it up this morning. God smiles on me.
  • 9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There's another
    article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better do some clean up work.

  • 10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and am waiting for the system to
    finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the
    trunk.
  • 10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three
    minutes.
  • 11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they call them specs.
    You never actually see them until the project is done and off to shipping. I
    am going to lunch.
  • 12:12 PM -- Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't know what it is
    about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They finally got
    Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time.
  • 12:26 PM -- Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long.
    Gotta hold it a while longer. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I
    looked nice. Hmm... wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about
    the "lip lizards".
  • 1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case
    for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with me while
    they were face-fucking. Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway, I can tell.

  • 1:27 PM -- Finally got to take a shit. Jeez, that was a frigging sequoia. Stuck
    up there any longer and they'd have to cut it in half and count the rings to
    tell how old it was.
  • 1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just
    nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite my prong you moron.
  • 1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring
    me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message on my machine saying that he
    is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it's permanent. Just hope the bastard
    can't talk either. I'm calling my lawyer.
  • 2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry
    the Fairy took Pammy Eats My Hammy down to her office and mentioned that little
    incident from last week. I told her it wasn't even close to a grope, more like
    a wedgie. Oh, well, something else for the lawyer.
  • 2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors.
    Make more money than us and have that innocent look. Bradford, huh. That's your
    name? Okay, you scrotum, the next virus will be named after you.
  • 2:52 PM -- Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuil. Man, I gotta
    come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer.
  • 3:20 PM -- Oh, Fuck! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just croaked and the cops
    want to talk to me at five. Goddamned freaky bastard. What the hell did he think
    I was, a frigging chiropractor?
  • 3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute.

  • 4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain
    won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already kind of red.
  • 4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on
    Monday. Fucking Jerry. I'll get him and that prissy-assed bitch.
  • 5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuil is working a little. These pizza
    rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go to the store.

  • 5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave
    me the third degree. The lawyer was already here because Jerry filed a lawsuit
    and Gordon's wife is on her way over with a gun.
  • 6:29 PM -- Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caught in the parking lot but
    wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They took me downstairs
    and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their
    Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist
    group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the hospital.

  • 8:51 PM -- Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some
    rabies shots. I still don't know what the penicillin was all about. They didn't
    even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup.
  • 9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning
    for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha, ha, joke's on them.
    We'll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy.
  • 9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole's
    system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed.
  • 9:58 PM -- Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This
    is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play it backwards
    it says "Pammy fucks the band". God, technology is great.
  • 10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow.

  • 10:49 PM -- Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working.
    Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last.
  • 11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court
    is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year.
  • 11:43 PM -- Called Mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No news is good news,
    I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked if I would be home
    soon.
  • 12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over. I am going to crash if I can find
    a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me up early. Big
    day tomorrow. Goodnight.

    Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.

  • Billgate's Dollars


    Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours. Consider
    an average American of modest wealth. Perhaps she has a net worth of $70,000.
    Mr. Gates' worth is 800,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs
    $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as though it costs 12 cents. You can work out the
    right multiplier for your own net worth.So for example, you might think a new
    Lambourghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 31
    cents.

    That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768
    screen you've been drooling after? Half a penny.A nice home in a rich
    town like Palo Alto, California? Two dollars. That nice mansion he's
    building? A more reasonable $63 to him.You might spend $50 on tickets, food
    and parking to take your date to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other
    hand could buy the team for 50 Bill-bills.


    You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach.
    In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy six 747s (Not tickets, the planes
    themselves). Two for him, two for Melinda and two for young Jennifer Katherine.


    Thursday, August 17, 2006

    How to catch a Lion



    H o w t o C a t c h a L I O N


    Newton 's Method:



    Let, the lion catch you.

    For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

    Implies you caught lion.



    Einstein Method:



    Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

    Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get
    tired soon.

    Now you can trap it easily.



    Software Engineer Method:



    Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

    If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.



    Indian Police Method:



    Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion
    .



    Rajnikanth Method :



    Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

    The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.



    Jayalalitha Method:



    Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping
    !



    Manirathnam Method (director):



    Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark

    room with a single candle lighted.

    Keep murmuring something in its ears.

    The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.



    Karan Johar Method (director):



    Send a lioness into the forest.

    Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

    Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

    First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.


    But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

    Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

    You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!




    Yash Chopra method (director):



    Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.



    Govinda method:



    Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.



    Menaka Gandhi method:



    Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.




    George bush method:



    Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!



    Ravi Shastri method:



    Ask the lion to bowl at u.

    U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

    Lion tired and surrenders

    Thursday, August 03, 2006

    Friendship


    No matter the differences,

    If we still can understand each other

    That is the key to a beautiful


    And a long lasting friendship...



    When the world drives a wedge between us

    When circumstances makes us fight


    If we can't pull the trigger , hurt each other


    You know you are good friends



    When you are happy or when you are sad

    If it is him/her you run and part


    If he/she can give the meaning to your life


    They are your real friends...






    People may come people may go

    No one makes an impact in your life


    When a person comes even in your dreams


    You know you got a good friend.






    No matter what others say

    No matter where fate takes us


    If we can still keep in touch


    This is our special day






    No matter how much you hate

    No matter how much you ignore


    If he/she still make you feel warm


    Celebrate everyday as "Friendship Day"








    Well the world says friendship day is some day,


    But as long as you keep in touch with me,


    I can celebrate friendship Day, everyday...


    Wishing You a Happy Friendship Week!!!

    Long live Bachelors

    Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only

    thing in life !!


    --Anonymous


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should

    be happier than others.


    --Oscar Wilde




    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


    --Scottish Proverb




    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for

    two years.


    --Sam Kinison


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Men have a better time than women; for one thing,

    they marry later; for

    another thing, they die earlier.

    --H. L. Mencken




    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows

    why.

    When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone

    wonders why.


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,

    you can be sure of

    one thing: either the car is new or the wife.




    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding

    her way back to home always.


    --Anonymous


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our

    anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I h! ave never been!" I told
    her,

    "How about the kitchen?"


    --Anonymous


    ------------------------------------------------------------------

    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.

    That was only for the estimate.


    --Anonymous


    -------------------------------------------------------------------

    She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then

    the mud fell off.


    --Anonymous


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too

    late for the garbage?"

    Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."


    --Anonymous


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses

    to get to married.

    He says "the wedding rings look like minature

    handcuffs....."


    --Anonymous

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your

    wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?

    The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u

    let him in!


    --Anonymous


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly

    parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was

    diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be

    praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to

    die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said,

    "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this

    demonstration of pain in is

    more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A

    child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then

    replied "My wife's first husband."


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband

    leaned over, made a wish

    and threw in a coin .

    The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned

    over too much, fell

    into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned

    for a while but then

    smiled " It really works !

    Wednesday, August 02, 2006

    Husband and Wife: Short Funny Jokes

    On the first night of their marriage, the groom told the bride, "Darling, love is blind." "Yes dear," replied the bride, "but the neighbours are not, so please close the blinds."
    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go on our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"


    We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


    She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.


    She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" said the truck driver.


    A husband said to his wife, "Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it time she got herself her own apartment?" "My mother?" said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."


    A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?" "Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."


    One day a father called his 6 children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything mother asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!"


    At a silver wedding anniversary, the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad. "What's the matter?" asked his friend. "Well, a week after marriage, I got fed up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25 years. Now I realise that today I would have been a free man."


    Man at 86 who marries a girl of 25 is like buying a best-seller for others to read.


    Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me. Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!


    My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


    During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied : "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."


    When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.


    A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did." he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"


    "Our sex life has really improved since my wife and I got separate beds." "How's that possible?" "Well, we have them in different apartments."

    Tuesday, August 01, 2006

    How to Recruit person??

    Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

    Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.


    Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.


    If they are counting the bricks.

    Put them in the accounts department.


    If they are recounting them..

    Put them in auditing.


    If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.

    Put them in engineering.


    If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.

    Put them in planning.


    If they are throwing the bricks at each other.

    Put them in operations.


    If they are sleeping.

    Put them in security.


    If they have broken the bricks into pieces.

    Put them in information technology.


    If they are sitting idle.

    Put them in human resources.


    If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
    moved. Put them in sales.


    If they have already left for the day.

    Put them in marketing.


    If they are staring out of the window.

    Put them on strategic planning.


    And then last but not least.


    If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.

    Congratulate them and put them in top management.

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