Friday, June 01, 2012

Tax Structure in India


Tax Structure in India


Q: What are you doing?
A: Business.
Govt: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX


Q: What are you doing in Business?
A: Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX


Q: From where are you getting Goods?
A: From other State/Abroad
Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY OCTROI

Q: What are you getting in Selling Goods?
A: Profit.
Tax: PAY INCOME TAX


Q: How do you distribute profit?
A: : By way of dividend
Tax: PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX


Q: Where you Manufacturing the Goods?
A: Factory.
Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY


Q: Do you have Staff?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX


Q: Doing business in Millions?
A: Yes or No
Tax: If yes, PAY TURNOVER TAX; if no, then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

Q: Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
A: Yes, for Salary.
Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX


Q: Where are you taking your client for Lunch Dinner?
A: Hotel
Tax: PAY FOOD ENTERTAINMENT TAX

Q: Are you going Out of Station for Business?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX

Q: Have you taken or given any Service/s?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY SERVICE TAX

Q: How come you got such a Big Amount?
A: Gift on birthday.
Tax: PAY GIFT TAX


Q: Do you have any Wealth?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX

Q: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans.: Cinema or Resort.
A: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX


Q: Have you purchased House?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY STAMP DUTY REGISTRATION FEE


Q: Want to run away to another city?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY TOLL CESS


Q: Any Additional Tax?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL CESS SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT TAXES

Q: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
A: Yes
Tax: PAY INTEREST PENALTY


Q: Can I die now?
A: No, wait we are about to launch the FUNERAL TAX !!! 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

5-minute Management Course

5-minute Management Course [Hilarious but True!]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when
the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking that she has a chance earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, aftera few seconds, Bob hands her $800
and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel andgoes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:
Do not share any critical information unless you understand the need of opposite
person. It may or may not help him but surely won’t help you.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg
again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, rememberPsalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go
forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I wantto be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of
my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager smiles and say, ‘I want those two back in the office after the lunch-
time.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,‘Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:

A Turkey was chatting with a Bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the Turkey, ‘but I
haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’
replied the Bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The Turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave her enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, she reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the Turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree..

She was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot her out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t help you stay there for long.

Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and
she fell to the ground into a large field.

While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.

As the frozen bird laid there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how
warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing her out!

She lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat hears the bird singing and comes to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug her out and ate her.

Morals of the story:
[1] Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
[2] Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
[3] And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! 

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

GENERAL EQUATIONS


GENERAL EQUATIONS 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS
 
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. 


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY  STATISTICS
 
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
 
A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
 
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Friday, April 20, 2012

CA Movies

What if Chartered Accountants start producing movies???

1. Munnabhai C.A.
2. Hamara Ledger Aapke Paas Hai
3. Kaho na Depreciation Hai
4. Journal Se Balance Sheet Tak
5. Kabhi Credit Kabhi Debit
6. Hum Tax de Chuke Sanam
7. Kya Yehi Credit Period Hai?
8. Main A/cs ki Diwani Hoon
9. Maine divide kiya
10. Maine divide kiyun kiya
11. Jab Jab Discount Mile
12. Petty Cash Apna Apna
13. Bill hai ke Pass hota nahin
14. Hum hai Accountant bekaar ke
15. Jo Tally hua wohi Trial Balance
16. Bus itna as BYAZ (Interest) hai
17. Tera 500 ka note Chal gaya
18. Dhai Akshar BYAZ ke
19. Tally 6.3 instal karke rakhna
20. Ab tumahare hawale pura account saathiyo
21. Balance sheet ki kasam
22. Kiyu Tally ho gaya na
23. Satte pe attha
24. Calculator sirf mere liye
25. Mujhe kuchh likhna hai
26. Solve karo to Cash lo.
27. Salary ke liye saala kuchh bhi karega
28. Accountant tune kya kiya
29. Rehna hai tally karke
30. Bill Vill Byaz Vyaz.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS 


Smart man
 + smart woman = romance 
Smart man
 + dumb woman = affair 
Dumb man
 + smart woman = marriage 

Dumb man
 + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC 


Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime 




  SHOPPING MATH 


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Relationship


Outside India
In India
Relation
A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?
A woman capable of making your life miserable.
Mother-in-law
Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.
A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
Husband
A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.
Friend
A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.
A woman who gives you your towel when you go to take a shower.
Wife
A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
Son
A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.
A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.
Daughter
A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
Father
A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich.
A person with a respectable job and earning lots.
Indian Engineer
A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor's wife".
A respectable person with OK income.
Doctor
A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.
A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.
Bhangra
The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in th e US (or wherever)'every year.
A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.
Softwar e Engineer
the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW
the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.
A Green Card holder bachelor

Friday, March 30, 2012

Hair Dryer (joke)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A couple of secs.. (joke)

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"

"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."

So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, intercourse, puberty and menstruation.

Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"

And he carries on, "A couple is two people like your mom and me." And he goes on to describe gay, lesbianism, etc...

The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." the girl replies.

Moral: If you don't understand the question properly, even the well-described answers are useless.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Really neat one-liners

Really neat one-liners

Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
***********

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
***********

Diplomacy :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
***********

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
***********

Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
***********

Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
***********

Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
***********

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
***********

Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
***********

Experience :
The name men give to their mistakes.
***********

Philosopher :
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
***********

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
***********

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
***********

Optimist :
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.
***********

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
***********

Father:
A banker provided by nature.
***********

Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.
***********

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
***********

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Leave Letter - Funny

ENJOY:Leave Letter - Funny 

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people knowing thodi bahut angreji. English is a funny language.




1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
------------ ------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was

Performing his daughter's wedding: -

"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Its all about Wives


 Its all about Wives

Its all about Wives
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

 
************
 
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met .

 
************
 
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 
************

 
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

 
************

 
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

 
************
 

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

 
************

 
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

 
************

 
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 
************

 
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
 

************

 
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

 
************ *

 
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.
 

************ *

 
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

 
************ *

 
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

 
************ **

 
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once .

 
************ **

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Computer Tech Support Calls

Silly tech support calls




Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


**********


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?


**********



Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


**********



Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


**********



Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.


**********



Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


**********



Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer:  OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


**********



Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


**********



Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


**********


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


**********



Customer:  I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


**********



Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


**********


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."  

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Sirf Dil Se.....

फूल बनकर मुस्कुराना ज़िंदगी है…,
मुस्कुराके के गम भूलना ज़िंदगी है…,
मिलकर लोग खुश होते है तो क्या हुआ….,
बिना मिले दोस्ती निभाना भी ज़िंदगी है…
`
दिल की हस्ती मिट गयी होती,
और सारे दर्द बढ़ गये होते,
जिंदगी आप जैसे दोस्तो की अमानत है,
वरना हम तो कब के बिखर गये होते..
`
आओ अब कोई दोस्त ऐसा बनाया जाए
जिसे पलकों पे सजाया जाए
रहे उसका मेरा रिश्ता कुछ इस तरहा के ,की
वो रहे भूखा तो हमसे भी कुछ खाया ना जाए…
`
दोस्ती के भी अपने अंदाज़ होते है,
जागती आँखो मे ख्वाब होते है,
सोई आँखो मे सैलाब होते है,
क्यो की दोस्ती के रिश्ते तो नायाब होते है…….

कहो उसी से, जो ना कहे किसी से!
माँगो उसी से, जो देदे खुशी से !
चाहो उसे जो तुम्हे मिले किस्मत से !
दोस्ती करो उसी से जो हमेशा निभाए हँसी से..

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Recommend this to everyone you know or else you'll have bad sex for ever!!!

Friday, February 03, 2012

The First General of the Indian Army

अंग्रेजी राज से आजादी मिलने के बाद भारतीय सेना का पहला जनरल चुनने के लिए एक बैठक बुलाई गई थी, जिसकी अध्‍यक्षता पंडित जवाहर लाल नेहरू कर रहे थे। सेना के सभी बड़े अधिकारी चर्चा कर रहे थे कि किसे यह जिम्‍मेदारी दी जाए।

इसी बीच नेहरू ने कहा "मैं सोचता हूँ कि हमारे पास भारतीय सेना का नेतृत्‍व करने का अनुभव नहीं है इसलिए क्‍यों न किसी अंग्रेज अफसर को भारतीय सेना का जनरल  बना दिया जाए?"
सब ने नेहरू के इस विचार का समर्थन कर दिया। आखिरकार वे प्रधान मंत्री जो थे!

लेकिन एक अधिकारी ने खड़े होकर कहा " मुझे कुछ कहना है।"
नेहरू जी ने कहा, " कहो, तुम्‍हें पूरी आजादी है।"
उसने कहा, " फिर तो हमें किसी अंग्रेज को ही भारत का प्रधान मंत्री भी बना देना चाहिए, क्‍योंकि हमारे पास देश चलाने का अनुभव भी कहॉं  है?"

सभा में सन्‍नाटा छा गया। लेकिन नेहरू जी ने उस अधिकारी से पूछा, "क्‍या तुम देश की सेना के पहले जनरल बनने के लिए तैयार हो?" उस अधिकारी के सामने यह एक सुनहरा मौका था, लेकिन उसने बड़ी विनम्रता से उत्‍तर दिया, " जी नहीं श्रीमान, क्‍योंकि इस जिम्‍मेदारी को निभाने के लिए हमारे बीच देश के सबसे अधिक अनुभवी अधिकारी मौजूद हैं, जो मेरे सीनियर भी हैं - लेफ्टिनेंट जनरल करियप्‍पा।

प्रधान मंत्री के विरूद्ध आवाज उठाने का साहस करने वाले सैन्‍य अधिकारी कोई और नहीं, आजाद भारत की सेना के पहले लेफ्टिनेंट जनरल श्री नाथू सिंह राठौर थे।

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिल के काँग्रेसवालोँ ने

I found something interesting on Facebook. I would like to share it with all my friends




हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिल के काँग्रेसवालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालोँ ने।
ए राजा को राजा बनाने वालोँ ने।
कलमाणी के साथ हिस्सा बटाने वालोँ ने।
कनिमोझी से रिश्ता निभाने वालोँ ने।
हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिलके काँग्रेस वालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालो ने।
फिर से आरक्षण की बात चलाने वालोँने।
अफजल को जिलाने वालोँ ने।
हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिलके काँग्रेस वालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालोँ ने।
स्विसबैँक मेँ रुपया जमा कराने वालोँ ने।
रामदेव पर डण्डा चलाने वालोँ ने।
उग्रवादियोँ का एनकाउंटर फर्जी बताने वालोँ ने।
हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिलके काँग्रेस वालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालोँ ने।

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Women & Marriage (Don't Mind Please)

 
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
 
 
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
 
 
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
 
 
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
 
 
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
 
 
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
 
 
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
 
 
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
 
 
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
 
 
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
 
 
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
 
 
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
 
 
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
 
 
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
 
 
 


.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
 
 
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.."
 
 
THIS IS FOR ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!
 
 

Popular Posts