Saturday, February 25, 2012

Its all about Wives


 Its all about Wives

Its all about Wives
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

 
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met .

 
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."

 
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

 
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

 
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.

 
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
 

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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."

 
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.
 

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

 
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

 
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once .

 
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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Computer Tech Support Calls

Silly tech support calls




Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?


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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.


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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


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Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer:  OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


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Customer:  I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


**********


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."  

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Sirf Dil Se.....

फूल बनकर मुस्कुराना ज़िंदगी है…,
मुस्कुराके के गम भूलना ज़िंदगी है…,
मिलकर लोग खुश होते है तो क्या हुआ….,
बिना मिले दोस्ती निभाना भी ज़िंदगी है…
`
दिल की हस्ती मिट गयी होती,
और सारे दर्द बढ़ गये होते,
जिंदगी आप जैसे दोस्तो की अमानत है,
वरना हम तो कब के बिखर गये होते..
`
आओ अब कोई दोस्त ऐसा बनाया जाए
जिसे पलकों पे सजाया जाए
रहे उसका मेरा रिश्ता कुछ इस तरहा के ,की
वो रहे भूखा तो हमसे भी कुछ खाया ना जाए…
`
दोस्ती के भी अपने अंदाज़ होते है,
जागती आँखो मे ख्वाब होते है,
सोई आँखो मे सैलाब होते है,
क्यो की दोस्ती के रिश्ते तो नायाब होते है…….

कहो उसी से, जो ना कहे किसी से!
माँगो उसी से, जो देदे खुशी से !
चाहो उसे जो तुम्हे मिले किस्मत से !
दोस्ती करो उसी से जो हमेशा निभाए हँसी से..

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Recommend this to everyone you know or else you'll have bad sex for ever!!!

Friday, February 03, 2012

The First General of the Indian Army

अंग्रेजी राज से आजादी मिलने के बाद भारतीय सेना का पहला जनरल चुनने के लिए एक बैठक बुलाई गई थी, जिसकी अध्‍यक्षता पंडित जवाहर लाल नेहरू कर रहे थे। सेना के सभी बड़े अधिकारी चर्चा कर रहे थे कि किसे यह जिम्‍मेदारी दी जाए।

इसी बीच नेहरू ने कहा "मैं सोचता हूँ कि हमारे पास भारतीय सेना का नेतृत्‍व करने का अनुभव नहीं है इसलिए क्‍यों न किसी अंग्रेज अफसर को भारतीय सेना का जनरल  बना दिया जाए?"
सब ने नेहरू के इस विचार का समर्थन कर दिया। आखिरकार वे प्रधान मंत्री जो थे!

लेकिन एक अधिकारी ने खड़े होकर कहा " मुझे कुछ कहना है।"
नेहरू जी ने कहा, " कहो, तुम्‍हें पूरी आजादी है।"
उसने कहा, " फिर तो हमें किसी अंग्रेज को ही भारत का प्रधान मंत्री भी बना देना चाहिए, क्‍योंकि हमारे पास देश चलाने का अनुभव भी कहॉं  है?"

सभा में सन्‍नाटा छा गया। लेकिन नेहरू जी ने उस अधिकारी से पूछा, "क्‍या तुम देश की सेना के पहले जनरल बनने के लिए तैयार हो?" उस अधिकारी के सामने यह एक सुनहरा मौका था, लेकिन उसने बड़ी विनम्रता से उत्‍तर दिया, " जी नहीं श्रीमान, क्‍योंकि इस जिम्‍मेदारी को निभाने के लिए हमारे बीच देश के सबसे अधिक अनुभवी अधिकारी मौजूद हैं, जो मेरे सीनियर भी हैं - लेफ्टिनेंट जनरल करियप्‍पा।

प्रधान मंत्री के विरूद्ध आवाज उठाने का साहस करने वाले सैन्‍य अधिकारी कोई और नहीं, आजाद भारत की सेना के पहले लेफ्टिनेंट जनरल श्री नाथू सिंह राठौर थे।

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिल के काँग्रेसवालोँ ने

I found something interesting on Facebook. I would like to share it with all my friends




हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिल के काँग्रेसवालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालोँ ने।
ए राजा को राजा बनाने वालोँ ने।
कलमाणी के साथ हिस्सा बटाने वालोँ ने।
कनिमोझी से रिश्ता निभाने वालोँ ने।
हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिलके काँग्रेस वालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालो ने।
फिर से आरक्षण की बात चलाने वालोँने।
अफजल को जिलाने वालोँ ने।
हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिलके काँग्रेस वालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालोँ ने।
स्विसबैँक मेँ रुपया जमा कराने वालोँ ने।
रामदेव पर डण्डा चलाने वालोँ ने।
उग्रवादियोँ का एनकाउंटर फर्जी बताने वालोँ ने।
हमेँ तो लूट लिया मिलके काँग्रेस वालोँ ने।
सत्ता के दलालोँ ने गाँधी टोपी वालोँ ने।

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